


broken

by orphan_account



Series: season 11 coda [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 11x06, 11x06 coda, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Apologies, Castiel in the Bunker, Episode: s11e06 Our Little World, Forgiveness, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, PTSD, Pre-Relationship, Season/Series 11, The Darkness - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-01 14:43:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5209784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Castiel watches TV. It's some stupid reality show that was on when he finished his marathon of “Game of thrones”. He doesn't know why he keeps watching, he means to turn it off – it really is stupid – but finds himself glued to his chair. The thought of getting up, for some reason, is really unpleasant."</p>
            </blockquote>





	broken

Castiel watches TV. It's some stupid reality show that was on when he finished his marathon of “Game of thrones”. He doesn't know why he keeps watching, he means to turn it off – it really is stupid – but finds himself glued to his chair. The thought of getting up, for some reason, is really unpleasant.

The Winchesters left for yet another hunt a few days ago. Two or three? Castiel isn't sure what day today is. This time he didn't even try to convince them to take him with them. The last couple of days (or was it weeks already?) have been spent in his new room, watching everything and anything that he could find. He barely left the room. He's not sure why. Sam and Dean joined him a few times and these evenings were extremely enjoyable but they soon grew bored. Dean said he grew out of binge watching (but suggested that Cas saw “Dr. Sexy MD” anyway). Castiel didn't stop. It felt good, safe to be able to live another's life, forget about reality for a few hours.

The sound of his phone ringing disturbs his thoughts. He picks up, it's Dean. They talk for a while and Castiel can't help the tiniest smile at hearing “I need you back in the game”. Dean hangs up and the TV is still talking.

*

It takes him half a day to get ready to leave the bunker. Suddenly, there are so many important things he just has to do. Halfway through organizing the books on his bookshelf in alphabetical order he realizes that he's stalling. The thought doesn't stop him, but upsets him a little. Why would he do that? He takes an unneeded shower, shaves carefully, puts on his tie and jacket. Searches for his car once again with a cup of coffee at hand. Still nothing. He stops himself from going on “Netflix” at the last moment. Dean needs him.

Finally, after using up every excuse for prolonging his stay, he picks up his trench coat and goes up the stairs towards the exit. With every step he is slowing down. When he reaches for the doorknob he feels his heart speed up and it's getting harder and harder to breathe properly. Suddenly he hears Dean's voice in his head, clear as a bell. _“Cas! Cas!”_ His heart beats even wilder. _“Don't do this.” Slam. His fist collides with Dean's face. He feels the crack of bones. “Okay, this isn't you. It's the spell. You can beat this!” Dean sounds determined and scared. Slam. He's hitting him again. He can't stop his hand, can't control himself._ Cas' legs start to feel weak. His hands look for something to hold on to. _“I will end you!” It's Ephraim's voice now. He sees the blade piercing Hannah's face._ The room is spinning. _“Don't!” Crowley. Cas hits him mercilessly and stabs him with an angel blade. All he feels is rage, rage, rage._ The room is spinning even faster. _“I won't let you walk out of this room.” These are his words. Right before... Dean hits him hard, he feels his nose break. Another hit, kick, Dean slams him face first into a table._ It ends as suddenly as it started. Castiel finds himself leaning heavily on the balustrade, his breathing erratic. He feels sick, nauseous. He can't leave the bunker. He can't hurt anyone else. He...

*

Cas opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling. He's confused. Memories are coming back slowly and anxiety's creeping into his mind. He's lying on the floor near the bunker's front door. Who knew angels could black out like this? He stands up on shaky legs and feels nauseous again. He has no idea what happened but he knows one thing. He cannot leave the bunker. So he rips his coat off, leaves it lying in a heap on the floor and goes back to his room. It'll be better this way.

After watching a 45-minute long documentary about hippos the feeling of nausea leaves. Castiel is able to breathe normally once again. He relaxes against the headboard and loosens his tie. The news is on and he smiles warmly at a dog riding on a skateboard. Then the presenter says “Ah, that dog thinks it's people” and it strikes a bit too close to home for Cas' liking.

That's when he sees him. Metatron. Such a stupid mistake for someone like him – his face reflects in a car mirror while he's recording a fight. So he's in Omaha. Working for a news station. Castiel knows he can't ignore it. This is the closest he's been to finding Metatron in a very long while. He dreads leaving the safety of the bunker but knows he has no other choice. He can control himself, right? The spell doesn't affect him any longer.

Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. It's alright, it's all okay. He can do this. Dean needs him. Repeating Dean's words over and over in his head Castiel walks out of his room and closes the door behind himself.

*

“ _You are broken, Castiel.”_

“ _You are scarred... deep, paralyzed by trauma, by fear. ”_

“ _It must suck being everyone's tool, manipulated and used by the angels, by your enemies, by your friends.”_

*

The Winchesters are back. Sam looks mostly tired, resigned. There is weariness inside him that sleep can't cure. He's still kind, though. His voice gentle. Dean, on the other hand, is angry. Cas knows, consciously, that it's not his fault. That Dean is only letting out his frustration on the nearest person and it just happens to be him, but it hurts a bit nevertheless. Metatron's words still echo in his head.

Sam leaves them in the war room, under the pretext of looking something up in the lore. They all know it's his way of giving them space to talk but neither one acknowledges it. Castiel doesn't know whether it's a good or bad thing. He knows Dean's hiding something and that's what makes him lash out but he can't help but shudder at the thought of Dean's angry fists hitting him again and again in this very room. He should be able to let it go, it wasn't Dean's fault, but for some reason he can't.

“Dean...” He's the first to interrupt the tensed silence. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean answers after a while, taking a deep calming breath. “Yeah, man, I'm fine. Are you?”

Castiel suddenly feels so very tired. Tired of pretending, lying, smiling through tightly clenched teeth. His earlier anxiety creeps back into his mind.

“No,” he answers softly, almost inaudibly. “No, I don't think I am.”

Dean looks shocked, but after a moment he nods, frowning a little.

“Want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

Silence falls again, but it's better this time. More relaxed. Castiel focuses on his breathing and it helps calm him down slowly. In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Out. He looks up at Dean and sees that the other man is observing him carefully. He almost manages a smile.

“We're a pair, aren't we?” Dean asks, chuckling humorlessly. “Always cheerful optimists.”

“Well, we're at the brink of yet another apocalypse. I'd say we're entitled,” Cas says quietly.

“Listen, Cas...” Dean starts, stops himself, draws another deep breath and continues. “I'm sorry for lashing out on you.”

“It's okay. You just met the Darkness in person and she escaped. No wonder you're frustrated.”

“I don't mean today. Though, actually sorry for that too.”

“Oh,” is all Castiel manages to say. So they _are_ talking about that night.

“I can never... I mean... What I did to you is unforgivable. I know that, but... I'm sorry anyway.”

“Dean...” Castiel curses himself at how shaky his voice sounds. “I know it wasn't you. You have nothing to apologize for.” He wishes he could just let it go, like his words suggest. He's forgiven Dean. He's forgiven him the moment Dean left the room but... Something in him is broken apparently, because he's not able to simply forget it and move on.

“Like hell. I almost killed you, Cas.”

“It was the Mark. Dean, you realize that what you held back for more than a year was the actual Darkness? A lesser man would have cracked sooner. I forgave you the moment you left the room.”

Dean's brows furrow further. He looks upset.

“You just won't let me take the blame, will you? Always a martyr.”

“You never let me apologize either, so I think we're even.”

They stare at each other wordlessly for a while. Finally Dean's face cracks into a tired little smile. Cas feels himself mirroring it.

“We really are a pair,” Dean repeats, but this time his voice is warmer. He sounds like himself again. “Come on, help me get the rest of the bags out of the trunk. We can watch something later. Still can't believe you got hooked on “Jenny Jones”.”

Castiel's smile grows bigger, slowly reaching his eyes. He realizes that they both have a lot of weight on their shoulders. They are both troubled, hunted by the ghosts of their pasts. But it's okay. It's how they always were. So he takes one last deep breath, follows Dean up the stairs and doesn't fear stepping outside this time. They are okay. They are themselves again. They'll be alright.


End file.
